Ignorance is Bliss ( a diary of the mind) (GÜNLÜK)

It’s Friday – time for new resolutions. I want to change my life and feel like a new person. I’ll wait for Monday and then start all over again. I’m going be determined right from the start and soon I’ll look like a different person.

Tonight I watched a great film. I adored the woman in the film; she made some amazing changes in her life. I think that must be a sign…

 

24 March Monday

It’s Monday and my morning got off to a fantastic start. I took time to prepare a calorie-controlled breakfast and it was delicious. I’ve got a feeling it’s all going to go well.

Evening: I’ve done well up until now. I had a few hunger pangs and wanted to eat for a moment, but now it’s almost the end of the day and if I grit my teeth I’ll make it through to tomorrow.

I’ve got really used to snacking. Now it seems really pointless to sit blankly watching TV. It’s been a tiring day, so it’ll be good if I go to bed early. There’s nothing decent on the TV anyway.

Tuesday 25 March

I was dying for breakfast when I woke up. Has the smell of toast always been so gorgeous or is just today?

Today, I decided to join a gym. If I want to make a positive change, I need to get some exercise.

At lunchtime, my friends went out for a nice meal. I wonder if I should go with them and just have a salad? But if I go with them, I’m bound to fancy something else apart from salad. The best thing is to avoid it altogether.

Wednesday 26 March

It’s started to get on my nerves seeing everyone go out for lunch every day. Why should I have to stay here on my own?

It won’t do any harm to have just one little chocolate. Anyway, I’m going to join the gym, so I’ll burn it off.

 

Thursday 27 March

I got on the scales today and I’ve already lost a kilo. I’m so pleased. I feel really good now.

I’m not going to eat anything today. I feel great anyway. I don’t know why people have to eat so much.

 

Friday 28 March

I think my blood sugar levels have dropped. I don’t understand why. I’ve eaten much less than even on a normal day, but I didn’t feel this sluggish.

I can’t concentrate on what I’m supposed to be doing. I keep thinking about what I’m going to eat this evening. I wonder if other people are always planning the next meal like me? Thank God no-one can read my mind.

Saturday 29 March

It’s the weekend and I’m really fed up. I just want to stuff my face. I fancy some pasta in a tasty sauce… Or maybe pizza…or a big fat burger with all the trappings. Then after that a huge slice of cake or a dessert dripping with chocolate sauce. With ice-cream as well. God, I’m fed up and hungry… not just hungry, actually I’m ravenous. I feel as if I’m going to be hungry for the rest of my life. Did I mention that I was hungry?

Sunday 30 March

Everyone’s going out to the cinema or somewhere. If I go with my friends, the smell of popcorn will be like torture. I’ll be desperate for some. What’s the point of going to the cinema without eating popcorn. I could go to the cafe for a coffee with the others. But coffee and cake are made for each other. Mmm… I can almost smell the chocolate from here. I’ll go and have a small piece of cake, it won’t be the end of the world. No… that’s a bad idea because if I go I’ll want to eat everything. I won’t be able to stand it so the best thing is to just stay at home.

Monday 31 March

I think I can safely say that it’s been going well for a few days now. I worked really hard today as well. I deserve a big evening meal and I’m sure it’ll be fine. If I don’t eat anything, I’ll collapse. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. It’s been a tough day.

Tuesday 1st April

I still haven’t joined the gym. That’ll be my first job tomorrow. Mind you, I do get tired at the moment so maybe I should wait until spring…or even summer.

Wednesday 2nd April

I got on the scales again today and I’ve lost another kilo. Hurrah! I’m not bothered about anything now, even if I’m hungry until the day I die!

I joined the gym and signed up for a whole 6 months. Hurrah! Hurrah! I’m so thrilled!

Thursday 3rd April

Have you got a small child at home? Or do your nieces and nephews sometimes come over? It’s so hard to make food for them, isn’t it? When I’m making their food, I’m constantly tempted to have a few spoonfuls and I always have a helping when I dish up their dinner. A few nibbles here and there don’t do any harm. The chips smell very appetising.

Oh no, the kids have left some food on their plates. It’s a shame to throw it away and it’s too small an amount to bother keeping. It won’t be nice when it’s reheated so it’s down to me again. I didn’t have anything proper for an evening meal anyway. It’ll stop me snacking in front of the TV later.

Friday 4 April

I’m really starting to lose the plot now. I might sack off the diet this week and start again on Monday. I’ve been exhausted all week and felt really out of sorts.

Saturday 5 April

I need to get to the gym now I’ve paid so much money. I almost emptied the bank paying for six months. But maybe not just now – I’ll get sweaty and when I come home, I won’t feel like doing anything else. I’ll definitely go tomorrow evening. It’s a promise. Anyhow, I’ve got a whole six months so there’s no rush.

Sunday 6 April

I found out my friend’s mum is ill and felt really sad. It’s a mortal world and look at the things I’m obsessed with. We’re all going to die one day. We’re only on this earth for five minutes so why make ourselves suffer? Oh… that’s delicious. I’m going to enjoy this.

Wednesday 9 April

When I came out of the gym, the only thing I could think of was how much I hate sports.

Thursday 10 April

Today I lost another kilo. Isn’t there a faster way to lose weight? I wonder if those slimming pills are any good. I snapped at everyone today. I’m not sure if it’s me being irritable or if it’s everyone else that has lost the plot. The only thing I know right now is that I feel terrible.

It’s a week since I last went to the gym, I’ve already got cold feet about going to tonight. The best thing is if I go for a long walk tomorrow.

Friday 11 April

The world’s in such a mess these days. But I can’t get that slice of cake in the fridge out of my mind. Am I going crazy? I wish that voice in my head would go away. It’s the same voice every five minutes. I wish I could switch it off. For God’s sake, it’s better to fill my stomach than my head.

Monday 21 April

Today I decided to start taking the slimming pills and formulas. I’ve got stuck now and I’m not losing any more weight. For the past week, the pointer on the scales hasn’t moved.

They said that my metabolism had slowed down.

Wednesday 23 April

There’s been some progress on the scales again, but these slimming formulas are upsetting my stomach. I had to hold my nose when I threw it down my throat this morning. It made me want to heave, but it will all be worth it in the end

 

Monday 5 May

It’s been three months since I raided the bank to pay for the gym. I haven’t even been five times yet. The slimming formulas are stored away in the cupboard. They were making me feel sick. I went on a diet and put on three kilos. It’s a joke. There must be a scientific explanation for it… I would have been better off just drinking water. My relationship’s going badly as well. What do you expect when you’re fat? Who wants to be with someone who’s flabby and overweight? I can’t find any decent clothes to go out in anyway. What a mess I am. You go to a shop and they say there’s nothing here for you. I might just as well go in saying, ‘Hi, I’ve got the plague. I think it might be forbidden for people like me to enter.’ Stupid sales assistants. They’re all as dumb as dodos. I hope they get fat too one day. I’m so miserable, I could eat a huge chocolate bar. God help me, I’m fat and disgusting so I deserve to eat this chocolate and get even more disgusting. All I want to do is sit down and cry my eyes out.

Thursday 8 May

I made a decision. Anyone who loves me will have to love me the way I am. I’m happy with the way I am. There’s no rule that everyone has to be thin. I only want to be with someone if they love me for who I am, not because of the way I look. That’s the kind of love you can be sure of.

Not only that, but everyone knows that when you get thinner, your face gets gaunt and makes you look older.

It’s true isn’t it? Thin people look as if they’ve aged before their time. Please can someone tell me that’s how it is…L